No Apologies: Women Owning Their Actions Is the Shift the Workforce Needs
Female leaders share how women can transform apologies from a reflex to a deliberate expression of ownership and action.
By Carolyn Tang Kmet | Summer 2024
In the workplace, apologies are a unique beast. Sometimes they’re warranted, perhaps for a missed meeting or a botched deadline, or sometimes they’re a political necessity to help save face. For women, however, apologies happen too often,
many without a warranted need at all.
A 2010 study out of the University of Waterloo, Canada, for example, found that women tend to apologize more often at work because they have a lower threshold than men for what they consider offensive. More recent
research suggests that women’s behavior in the workforce may actually be a product of societal expectations. A 2020 study out of Stanford found that women who openly engage in confrontations or pursue positions of power evoke negative reactions
from supervisors. This negative response motivates some female professionals to shift their behaviors, perhaps unconsciously, into more traditional gender expectations.
In combination with societal expectations and workplace culture norms, women have
often felt the need to grapple with a delicate balance of assertiveness and empathy—and have for many generations.
Here, six female leaders offer advice for how to transform apologies from a reflexive response to a deliberate expression of ownership
and action.
Multigenerational Societal Expectations
“I encourage women to be mindful of when they’re trying to conform to traditional gender roles of being nurturing and overly friendly, so they’re not reinforcing that expectation in
their workplace,” says Stacey Chazin, MPH, MSODL, founder of I-Factor Leadership, who coaches introverted professionals to tap into their core strengths in order to become more powerful, effective leaders.
Gender stereotypical behavior for women
often involves conforming to societal expectations of compassion, empathy, and gentleness. The way these expectations translate into the workplace is that women may feel pressured to downplay their achievements or avoid assertiveness in order to align
with perceived gender norms.
“Women have been told for generations to be ‘nice’ and ‘proper’ and not to be ‘strong’ and ‘vocal.’ Women who take credit for their accomplishments are often termed arrogant,
while men are termed successful,” says Diane L. Yetter, CPA, MST, president and founder of Yetter Consulting Services Inc. and the Sales Tax Institute. Yetter was also recognized with the Illinois CPA Society’s (ICPAS’) 2024 Women to
Watch Experienced Leader Award.
Yetter suggests one way to shift this societal thinking is to recognize the accomplishment for what it is instead of who did it.
More importantly, she encourages more women to stand up and speak up.
“It’s fine
to talk, and even brag, about success that we attain. It’s also important to speak up in meetings and make your voice heard—don’t be afraid to be the first one to answer or talk,” Yetter says. “It’s also important to
celebrate and acknowledge other women and their accomplishments.”
Ellen Burton, executive coach, international business and leadership lecturer, and best-selling author, agrees and says the problem has been so ingrained in our culture over multiple
generations: “Being a woman raised in the 1960s and 1970s, I can attest to research stating how many women, in all generations, have been raised to be unobtrusive, not make waves, and just be grateful for anything we’re given.”
In a
2019 report, the National Bureau of Economic Research found that when asked to describe their performance on a test, women reported that they performed worse than men, even though, on average, the scores were equal. In the workforce, this discrepancy
also plays out in interviews, self-assessments, and annual reviews, activities in which being able to accurately communicate one’s abilities and achievements can significantly impact outcomes. In these instances, if women downplay or minimize their
achievements, they could impede the trajectory of their career growth.
So why does it happen? Anna C. Gomez, CPA, global chief financial officer (CFO) and partner of Mischief USA and No Fixed Address Inc., who was also honored with ICPAS’ 2024 Women
to Watch Experienced Leader Award, suggests it may be just the way many women are wired, citing their natural ability to be more empathetic and conscious of their actions.
“We expect more from ourselves because our everyday lives demand that we
do so. Women are expected to juggle everything—home, children, career—and because we divide our time into so many parts, we never feel like we’ve done enough or know enough,” Gomez relates. “Thus, this brings the tendency
to downplay our expertise.”
Overcoming Imposter Syndrome
In addition to juggling multiple responsibilities, women are often faced with imposter syndrome (i.e., they doubt their abilities in fear of being seen as incompetent to others), despite extensive
evidence of competence and achievement. According to a 2020 KPMG survey of 750 high-performing senior women leaders in Fortune 1000 companies, 75% of respondents had personally experienced imposter syndrome at certain points in their career. What’s
more, 57% of respondents said they most often experienced imposter syndrome at times when they were promoted or transitioning into new roles.
“I’ve certainly experienced imposter syndrome, and it can be challenging to overcome,” shares
Kelsey Straub, CPA, audit senior manager at Deloitte & Touche LLP, and recipient of ICPAS’ 2024 Women to Watch Emerging Leader Award. In fact, Straub says she personally experienced imposter syndrome when she found out she was anonymously nominated
for that award.
“I was so surprised by the nomination, thinking, ‘There’s no way I’m qualified,’ and ‘Everyone else has more accomplishments than me,’” Straub explains. “I really had to convince myself
that I was just as worthy to apply as anyone else. I realized that I would be doing a disservice to both my nominator and myself if I didn’t even try.”
Straub says one way to overcome imposter syndrome is to listen to your mentors or team
leaders’ opinions of your performance and strengths: “Trust that what others say about your performance and capabilities is genuine.”
Of course, going hand-in-hand with the tendency to downplay or second-guess expertise is the greater
willingness to over-apologize. This is especially true for many women of color who are taught at an early age to not draw attention to themselves for both job security and overall safety.
“Our mothers, aunties, and male and female mentors modeled
how not to make waves and how to apologize for being in the way, for having a win, and for others’ mistakes,” Burton says.
Straub notes that it can be surprisingly easy to over-apologize: “I’ve found myself apologizing when I ask
a clarifying question, express a differing viewpoint, or even when taking responsibility for others’ mistakes.”
Chazin agrees, saying part of it has to do with social conditioning and women’s desires to avoid conflict or appearing impolite.
“This can lead us to preemptively apologize for things that oftentimes don’t warrant an apology at all,” Chazin observes. “I think we want to eliminate the possibility that someone will be offended by something we say to the point
where saying sorry has become ingrained in our communications with others.”
Chazin suggests that women should first audit their apologies: “Track how often you’re apologizing, under what circumstances, and with whom. Do this for three
days.”
This way, Chazin says, you’ll have a better idea of the extent to which apologizing has become a part of your communication with others. Then, with this data in hand, you can be more mindful of any written or verbal communication you’re
about to put forth that contains an apology.
“Reread your emails before sending them and replace apologetic language with powerful language,” Chazin advises. She recommends using these examples:
- Instead of: “Sorry this took so
long.” Try: “Thanks for your patience.”
- Instead of: “Sorry to bother you.” Try: “I’m seeking some help.”
- Instead of: “Sorry to take up your time.” Try: “Thanks for your time.”
Apology Perceptions
While compulsive over-apologizing may be perceived as a weakness, recent research suggests that the perception of an individual may have less to do with the frequency of apologizing and more to do with how an apology is delivered.
Beth Polin, Ph.D., associate professor of management at Eastern Kentucky University and lead author of the study, “Sorry to Ask But … How Is Apology Effectiveness Dependent on Apology Content and Gender?,” found what constitutes an
effective apology differs depending on the gender of the person delivering it. The researchers studied whether an apology with stereotypically feminine language would be more or less effective for women, and whether an apology with stereotypically masculine
language would be more or less effective for men. Their data showed that using apology language that goes against expected stereotypes is more effective at repairing trust.
“Specifically, women’s apologies are more effective at repairing broken trust when they include more stereotypically masculine language, because this increases others’ perceptions of their competence, which augments their assertiveness,” Polin says. “Oppositely, men’s apologies are more effective at repairing broken trust when they include more stereotypically feminine language, because this increases others’ perceptions of benevolence, which augments interpersonal sensitivity.”
Polin emphasizes that the way to interpret these findings is to recognize that an apology is more effective at repairing trust “when we push past our defaults and consider apology language carefully.”
According to Polin, there are six components to an effective apology:
1. Expression of regret.
2. Explanation for why the violation occurred.
3. Acknowledgment of responsibility.
4. Declaration of repentance.
5. Offer of repair.
6. Request for forgiveness.
Of these components, the expression of regret and request for forgiveness are stereotypically more feminine language components of an apology; the explanation and offer of repair are stereotypically more masculine; and the acknowledgment of responsibility and declaration of repentance are neutral components of an apology. Given that, Polin says the best way for women to deliver an effective apology would be to leverage stereotypically masculine language along with neutral language. She suggests something along the lines of:
“The reason trust was broken was because of … (explanation, masculine).”
“I recognize I’m responsible for this incident (declaration of repentance, neutral).”
“To make up for the damage done, I’m going to … (offer of repair, masculine).”
To Apologize or Not Apologize
Notably, experts say it’s important to recognize that there are times when you should apologize and times when apologizing is either inappropriate or unnecessary. For example, an apology is warranted if you’ve said or done something that somehow harmed another person, or if you’re recognizing a group of people for their contributions to a project and you neglected to include someone.
However, Burton stresses not to confuse a “sorry” with an “amends.” Sorry conveys taking responsibility for either a misstep or for being caught; a flippant sorry could be perceived as worse, telegraphing little interest in creating solutions and even less regret. But Burton says making amends is deeper: “It’s a promise that follows aberrant behavior, ownership, introspection, and learning of new skill.”
Burton recommends that when a mistake is made you should own it: “Take responsibility sooner rather than later. Then ask for help and present viable options for repair.”
Chazin says that we shouldn’t apologize for things that happen that aren’t intentional or controllable. She explains that doing so implies that we’ve fallen short or are incompetent: “Many times, we couple our apologies with some self-deprecating statement about our competence.”
Instead, Chazin recommends acknowledging the issue but withholding the apology. “If you respond to an email after a longer-than-expected number of days, rather than apologizing for that, consider writing, ‘Thanks for your patience as I’ve juggled a number of priorities.’ Or if you make a mistake in a work product and someone else flags it, try saying, ‘Thanks so much for catching that.’”
Gomez related similar advice she received from one of her mentors while she held a previous role as a controller of a large Chicago-based advertising agency: “She told me never to apologize for any of my actions or decisions, whether it was answering an email late or making difficult business decisions. I’ve taken that with me and learned through experience what she truly meant by that.”
Over time, Gomez has learned to stop apologizing for who she is, what she stands for, and the decisions she makes as a CFO. “I’m a human being who makes errors in judgment, reacts emotionally, or pivots on decisions that no longer serve their purpose. In those instances, I learned that being a good leader means also being able to admit my mistakes,” Gomez says. “There’s a big difference between apologizing for something and being open about making mistakes.”
Straub advises young women to build a personal board of directors comprised of mentors, coaches, and leaders that they admire: “Mimic the characteristics that you respect in these individuals, share your aspirations with them, and lean on them when you need assistance or guidance.”
Chazin has similar advice and reminds women to lean on the support of other women. “I implore women entering the workforce to never apologize for who they are—the best way to break the apology habit is to never start it,” she stresses. “Women can, and should, support each other in this space by ‘calling each other out’ when they see another woman apologize unnecessarily.”
Carolyn Tang Kmet is a clinical associate professor at Northwestern University and a frequent Insight contributor.
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